So I just recently found I had to attend graduation. I am in what is called a "traditional rotating internship". Even though I am a psych resident, signed up for a year of doing, basically everything.
I was going to attend anyway since I wanted to say bye to everyone before I moved across the country, but as a guest. I mean I just finished 1 year, what is there to celebrate anyway? It was a pretty cushy internship too. I mean internal medicine sucked with it's 6 calls a month, and working 5:30am-6:00pm, but the rest of the rotations were very nice.
In fact, I am more worried than anything. I have had it so good here that I am scared that I will actually have to work like a slave for 12 months instead of only 3 months. For those who read my first post, I'm not sure I trust my wife to keep the household running while I am working. I am somewhat optimistic, since I will be doing what I love and with any luck my wife's hormones will stablize somewhat.
Some more info on my family. My wife is an international. Before she married me she was a up and coming civil engineer. Her English is not very good, so she depends on me to translate many things for her. The trouble arises when I can't quite get the translation right because my Chinese is only at a grade-school level. Given her past level of acheivment it is understandable she is frustrated, and she often vents that frustration on me. I don't really like that, especially when I'm the one is doing everything. I often just tell her: "pick up a book and look up the vocab, I won't be next to you all the time".
I often can't get the thought that she is useless out of my head. I know it's not right, she did raise my son and about to give birth to my second born but why doesn't she try to make herself more independant? I would not fault her for at least trying, but shutting yourself in the bedroom is not making progress. She doesn't work, she doesn't do any chores, she doesn't cook or clean, she doesn't even say thank you. I would not mind doing anything for my loved ones but I would like to think my loved ones...... well loved me in return.
When we fight, she often tries to "teach me a lesson" by not doing anything and make me do everything. I find this laughable since I AM doing everything already, and the only lesson I am learning is: "I don't need you" "I can do all everything without your moodiness".
I will be working harder as a second year, can I trust my wife to do what will be required of her? Doctors have a 80% divorce rate. Everyone tries to beat the odds, but the statistics are what they are for a reason. If I didn't care about my son's happiness I'm not sure I would still be with her. But my son, he is my preious, and his smile is the only thing I have faith in anymore.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
What's this? What is it for?
This is my blog. I am a post-graduate year (PGY) one of psychiatry, and this is my blog on how easy it is to be a doctor.
And that was sarcasm. No, being a doctor isn't all that easy, but the hardest parts often have nothing to do with medicine or patients. No, the hardest part is having your loved ones realize how hard it is.
Just some more info on me, on the off chance someone reads this. I am 31 years olds (old for a resident), a father of a glorious 3 year old boy, my wife is about 16 weeks pregnant. I went to a decent undergraduate and a medicore medical school. In many ways I feel like Dr. Charles Bovary. A doctor of modest means, with a beautiful wife a handsome child. Life should be rosey, and you might think to yourself "shut the fuck up Dr. PGY1230, with your awesome life". For those of you that have read Flaubert's novel, you would know that it doesn't end well. Madame Bovary was basically a borderline personality who did not help her husband at all and ended up having a multitude of affairs and bankrupting them.
I don't want to imply that my wife would cheat on me or that she has. She has been utterly faithful, but sometimes I highly doubt she knows what it means to be married to a intern doctor. And I can ccertainly see a lot of borderline traits in her. Before her pregnacy she was already very very dependant on me, now that she is pregnant, she is absolutly dependant on me.
Let me summerize my day, and you will soon realize how little the hardships endured have anything to do with medicine:
7:30-8:20 Get my son breakfast, dress him and get him to pre-school. He kisses me goodbye and makes it worthwhile. My wife is in bed still.
8:30-9:00 I walk to work, or if my wife feels up for it (no real indicators) she will drive me. It is only a mile walk but if it's raining or 90+ degrees out, it can get unpleasant.
9:00-5:00 I see on average 12 patients a day. If I'm lucky I will be done by 5pm, but sometimes I have to stay to see that one last patient and I don't get done until 6:00 or 7:00.
5:00-6:00 I beg my co-worker for a ride home. My plight has already become the butt of jokes in the program. "Poor PGY1230, his wife doesn't let him use the car" followed by a whip sound. I get home and find my wife lying in bed, the house a mess and my son begging for her attention. Already exhuasted, I put on the best fake smile I can muster and pick up son and play with him. I take him to the yard outside to play with the neighbor's kids. They adore him, he smiles and I think to myself "it's worth it I guess"
6:00-7:00 I do my best to cajole my son into coming inside so I can prepare dinner. I put on Ameile or some Pixar movie for him while I make dinner. It's simple stuff since I am tired form work but he likes it. My wife at this time is lying in bed watching streaming movies or surfing the internet.
7:00-9:00 I give my son to my wife to put to bed and see if I have any energy to have some "alone time" I might read a few pages of a book, play some video games, or watch a movie. This whole time my wife is just lying there. I start to wonder if I should be checking her for pressure ulcers. My wife will call me on my cell phone and issue commands to me as if it was a bell.
You can punuacte each event with the chance that my wife will come out and throw a hissy-fit over some detail, throw and break kitchenware and utensils, me comforting my son (often lying to him) "It's ok, mommy's just upset." Her storming into the bedroom and me cleaning up the sharp debris that could cut my, I mean our, child. I think of this as a "random encounter".
That is a typical day, but lately I have had attendings who don't care to teach me or have me around. On these rotations I can often skip out of work. I dread those days. I know that the less I work in the hospital, the more I will be exposed to my "bedridden" wife's nagging, more chores that I have to do rather than study for my step 3's. Yes, I would rather be doing an overnight call than have to do everything to keep the household running. On days I don't need to work, my day is a lot worse thanks to my wife's moods. Anything can set her off and when she is upset, kitchen-ware (including knives) go flying. I have no idea what sets her off or what calms her down, all I can do is pray that today my wife will not be bat-shit insane, or that the ER pages me for some emergency which will force me to leave (hasn't happened).
I know what you are thinking, for a psychiatrist I suck at managing my wife's moods. I suppose that is fair, but when I interact with my patients I am in a position of power. At my command a platoon of big guys will rush in and restrain the rowdy patient, a RN will be injecting Geodon or Haldol into their butt. I have no such protections at home. She has chucked dishes in my son's direction before, I just can't risk provoking her. What if this time she will hit him? I can't blame it all on the pregnacy either, she has done this even when she wasn't pregnant, but now she is even more labile.
Maybe one day I will look at this blog and think "Dr. PGY1230 was such a drama queen, being worried over things like flying knives" but until then I will keep this as...... a cry for help? Or maybe just an outlet of some sort, hope you enjoy.
And that was sarcasm. No, being a doctor isn't all that easy, but the hardest parts often have nothing to do with medicine or patients. No, the hardest part is having your loved ones realize how hard it is.
Just some more info on me, on the off chance someone reads this. I am 31 years olds (old for a resident), a father of a glorious 3 year old boy, my wife is about 16 weeks pregnant. I went to a decent undergraduate and a medicore medical school. In many ways I feel like Dr. Charles Bovary. A doctor of modest means, with a beautiful wife a handsome child. Life should be rosey, and you might think to yourself "shut the fuck up Dr. PGY1230, with your awesome life". For those of you that have read Flaubert's novel, you would know that it doesn't end well. Madame Bovary was basically a borderline personality who did not help her husband at all and ended up having a multitude of affairs and bankrupting them.
I don't want to imply that my wife would cheat on me or that she has. She has been utterly faithful, but sometimes I highly doubt she knows what it means to be married to a intern doctor. And I can ccertainly see a lot of borderline traits in her. Before her pregnacy she was already very very dependant on me, now that she is pregnant, she is absolutly dependant on me.
Let me summerize my day, and you will soon realize how little the hardships endured have anything to do with medicine:
7:30-8:20 Get my son breakfast, dress him and get him to pre-school. He kisses me goodbye and makes it worthwhile. My wife is in bed still.
8:30-9:00 I walk to work, or if my wife feels up for it (no real indicators) she will drive me. It is only a mile walk but if it's raining or 90+ degrees out, it can get unpleasant.
9:00-5:00 I see on average 12 patients a day. If I'm lucky I will be done by 5pm, but sometimes I have to stay to see that one last patient and I don't get done until 6:00 or 7:00.
5:00-6:00 I beg my co-worker for a ride home. My plight has already become the butt of jokes in the program. "Poor PGY1230, his wife doesn't let him use the car" followed by a whip sound. I get home and find my wife lying in bed, the house a mess and my son begging for her attention. Already exhuasted, I put on the best fake smile I can muster and pick up son and play with him. I take him to the yard outside to play with the neighbor's kids. They adore him, he smiles and I think to myself "it's worth it I guess"
6:00-7:00 I do my best to cajole my son into coming inside so I can prepare dinner. I put on Ameile or some Pixar movie for him while I make dinner. It's simple stuff since I am tired form work but he likes it. My wife at this time is lying in bed watching streaming movies or surfing the internet.
7:00-9:00 I give my son to my wife to put to bed and see if I have any energy to have some "alone time" I might read a few pages of a book, play some video games, or watch a movie. This whole time my wife is just lying there. I start to wonder if I should be checking her for pressure ulcers. My wife will call me on my cell phone and issue commands to me as if it was a bell.
You can punuacte each event with the chance that my wife will come out and throw a hissy-fit over some detail, throw and break kitchenware and utensils, me comforting my son (often lying to him) "It's ok, mommy's just upset." Her storming into the bedroom and me cleaning up the sharp debris that could cut my, I mean our, child. I think of this as a "random encounter".
That is a typical day, but lately I have had attendings who don't care to teach me or have me around. On these rotations I can often skip out of work. I dread those days. I know that the less I work in the hospital, the more I will be exposed to my "bedridden" wife's nagging, more chores that I have to do rather than study for my step 3's. Yes, I would rather be doing an overnight call than have to do everything to keep the household running. On days I don't need to work, my day is a lot worse thanks to my wife's moods. Anything can set her off and when she is upset, kitchen-ware (including knives) go flying. I have no idea what sets her off or what calms her down, all I can do is pray that today my wife will not be bat-shit insane, or that the ER pages me for some emergency which will force me to leave (hasn't happened).
I know what you are thinking, for a psychiatrist I suck at managing my wife's moods. I suppose that is fair, but when I interact with my patients I am in a position of power. At my command a platoon of big guys will rush in and restrain the rowdy patient, a RN will be injecting Geodon or Haldol into their butt. I have no such protections at home. She has chucked dishes in my son's direction before, I just can't risk provoking her. What if this time she will hit him? I can't blame it all on the pregnacy either, she has done this even when she wasn't pregnant, but now she is even more labile.
Maybe one day I will look at this blog and think "Dr. PGY1230 was such a drama queen, being worried over things like flying knives" but until then I will keep this as...... a cry for help? Or maybe just an outlet of some sort, hope you enjoy.
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